Exhausted.
Numb.
Worried.
Incompetent.
Unsure.
Insecure.
Anxious.
Looking for guidance, looking for assurance, looking for a break, looking for the warm love feeling that’s supposed to wash over you as a mum of newborns, the one you’re led to believe happens for everyone all the time, the one you see in pictures on parenting books, the one you hear about in blogs.
But instead it came in little bursts, in between the hardest moments when you’ve never felt more alone, more depleted and more unloved, it came when you needed it the most.
It came when there were frustrated tears falling down your cheeks at 3am and the little feeding noises broke the silence.
It came when you could appreciate a laugh together as you heard a rumble just as you’ve changed yet another nappy.
It came when you almost lost the plot spilling the formula but he made a joke you couldn’t help laugh at and he took over.
It came when you really needed a rest and you fell asleep together while he watched over you both.
It came as a cuddle when you hadn’t showered for days and you were told you were an amazing mum.
It came when friends and family managed to stop by and you found yourself free enough to hold a hot coffee with two hands.
It came when you could see he was tired too but he got up and went to work, leaving you behind with his little hearts, leaving feeling helpless that he couldn’t help you more, torn he couldn’t spend every minute with you all.
If you are here now, I know it feels really hard, relentless, unknown, one sided.
So promise me you’ll keep yourself open to those pockets of love and support that show up in ways you didn’t expect but are exactly what you needed.
By Aneta Lemon.
Aneta is a Twin Mum of 5 Boys who writes about the realities of parenting struggles and joys with her gorgeous family in Auckland, New Zealand. You can read more of her journey by following Aneta over on her Instagram
