Dearest friend, please keep checking in. I’m not sure I can hold it all together, I know I don’t have to with you, but right now I just need to try.

Dearest friend,

It’s still me.

Well sort of.

I’m here, but another version entirely.
I’m in a bubble of longing and love.

I know you messaged me this morning, or was it yesterday? It’s all a bit of a blur and my phones buried somewhere on my bedside that has never felt so small.

I so badly want to reconnect with you but I’m trying to reconnect with me too.

I’m cancelling a lot and it’s hard to say why, the anxiety has held me prisoner here a bit and I want to talk about nothing, and everything. I want to pour a wine and laugh with you. But I don’t know how to be her just yet.

I also want to try and get some sleep, but even when I’m able to I’m scrolling through photos or checking if he’s breathing in his cot.

I’ve never had such fulfilment but I feel a bit empty right now, even though the room is full, even though my heart is too.

I’m still accepting that my milestones now are first smiles, the way he now looks at me in true focus, I told my husband he must definitely know I’m his mother by now.

I wonder if there will be anything else I can talk about. I think some days I’m still truly waiting for this to all hit me.

I’m a mother now.

My nights aren’t popping bottles, they’re pouring milk into them or figuring out the latch. I’m trying to find time to eat a full meal, or shower, can you believe I plan that stuff now?
I’m not waking up with a hangover and txting you straight away about last nights antics. I still feel hungover, but I’m not the one who’s been drinking all night.

My bones ache my heart aches and I also have a headache, I think from this constant mum bun my hair just stays in.

I’m not sure I can hold it all together, I know I don’t have to with you, but right now I just need to try.

This is my life right now, nap schedules, dressing gowns at 2pm, google searches, doctors appointments and a constant reminder that my phone storage is full.
It’s hard to swallow but I want to inhale it all.

Oh it’s a whirlwind friend, but one I’m glad to be caught up in.
Please keep checking in.
Please keep inviting me.
It means more than the huge gap between my responses I swear.

I’ll be back.
In some shape or form x

Written by our contributing writer Jess Urlichs.

‘From One Mom to a Mother’ poetry book out now.

https://linktr.ee/JESSURLICHS.

https://www.instagram.com/jessurlichs_writer/

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