Can I grieve my infertility even though I have a child?

Can I grieve my infertility even though I have a child? Does the two year journey to her conception become just a blip not the monthly breakdown it once was?

Are you allowed to still hurt even though you've been blessed with a miracle?

Can you still relate to those struggling when you've now claimed that once elusive title of "mum"?

Yes. Because it still hurts.

Second time infertility, in some ways, is easier with my sidekick next to me even though one day I'm sure she'll ask me "what of him or her?" The brother or sister I really want to give her.

And I really don't know what I'll say.

I don't know where they are, caught somewhere in the river of tears cried and the sweet breeze of hope every month. I know they're out there, I just don't know if they will ever be ours to hold. I usually justify it with, we have all we need right here. Even though I know my heart would grow again given the chance.

I've never spoken openly about this because I know so many don't have their miracle, or they had miracles and they lost them. And everyday I am grateful for my party of 3. But some days I am sad for my party of "maybe more but I'm not sure".

And that's OK too.

We can be both equal parts grateful and sad. They're not mutually exclusive.

We can live fully but also in hope simultaneously ❤

Written by our gorgeous contributing writer HannaH Findlay.

You can follow more of her work here: @HanFindlay

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