In life, if someone was screaming at at you, shouting, whining, hitting. If there was constant noise that was stressing your body. If you needed space but there wasn’t any...your body and your mind would tell you to walk away. You’d leave. You’d go, you’d breathe. You’d walk, talk, calm, ground, focus, refuel, recover. It’s an inbuilt, self-protective drive.

One of the biggest challenges of motherhood is that, when these things happen, your mind and body can tell you to do the same thing. To go, walk, get space. But you can’t. Because you have a responsibility. You are their anchor even when you feel like your grappling for your own. You are their consistency, the peace amidst the storm, even when you have none for yourself.

It’s those moments in which the carnal drive to escape, and the maternal and deep love that require me to stay are conflicted in my core. Those are the hardest moments. My body feels panicked. My resources feel empty.

My self-protective drive, and my maternal-protecting drive come head to head like two storm clouds creating internal thunder.

We try, we bend, and we sometimes break. Call a friend, a neighbour, an external voice that can ground you when you don’t know when what is up and what is down. And the sea will calm, and your heart will settle.

Parenting is a tough gig. A good good gig. An immense privilege. A strengthening, shaking, testing, heart enlarging, muscle growing, patience challenging, mind blowing, hugely loving gig. But sometimes a tough one.

Ps. This whole starting school lark is toughhhh

Anna Mathur is a psychotherapist, mother, writer and speaker.

You can follow more of her work here:

https://www.instagram.com/annamathur